The Evil Genius At Work in the Off Season

So, the Evil Genius, I mean Ol' Ball Coach, has been spotted helping out the Dukies in their attempt to field a winning football program. Apparently, he's helped the Blue Devils find their past two coaches. Perhaps, he's been spending time in Durham preserving his legendary status. I think Duke should pay Spurrier 10 million dollars a year to get him back. It would be awesome for public relations with border state football powerhouse South Cackalacky, and, within a few years, Duke might stand a chance of winning the ACC. Thanks to our man in Durham, Old Man Crews, for alerting me about this one. Hopefully, Crews will become a regular contributor at some point in the near future.

Broadway Joe Does Hollywood

Apparently Jake Gyllenhaal is slated to portray Joe Namath in a biopic about the legendary quarterback's life. Namath agreed to have this movie made only after finding out that Gyllenhaal would be playing him. I find a movie about the life of Namath to be very intriguing for several reasons:

1: It may be the first time in the last two decades that my father has left the house to go to a movie theater to see any movie. I think the last movie he saw in the theater was Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

2: Seeing if Gyllenhaal will look as good as Joe in a pair of panty hose.

3: Finding out who will portray Bear Bryant. I'm guessing Tom Berenger may be a shoo-in once again after the overwhelming success of The Junction Boys.

4: Waiting to see if Gyllenhaal backs out and if ESPN will purchase the rights to the movie and opt for Wilmer Valderrama to portray Joe Willie. If Joe gets tanked enough, he'll never know the difference.

5: And, finally, anxiously anticipating Suzy Kolber portraying herself.

Seriously, though, this should be a good movie, and especially so if it delves into the darker side of Namath's post-football life.

Turning to the Classics for Inspiration

So when your coach leaves for Tulsa and your offensive coordinator heads for Bama after your school's first successful season in eons, it's time to turn that educated mind toward revenge mode. Or, at least that's what Rice University's marching band did this weeekend during the halftime of their game against Tulsa. And, what could be a better source for revenge than Dante's Divine Comedy? You'll probably read about this elsewhere, but this is just too effing funny to leave out. I'm sure the football fans from Tulsa all fell into What the hell? mode mode when the band pulled this shenanigan. However, Conference USA officials, after hearing that the Owls ave already planned to tackle Ulysses during the UAB game next season and Aristophanes' The Birds against Southern Miss are busy discussing just how to prevent the Rice Band from overeducating the rest of the conference before things get out of hand.

First Nutt and Now Ted Roof? What the Hell is the World Coming To?

Surprisingly, in the wake of a number of NCAA football coaches being fired, including the not-really-then-but- now-surprising "resignation" of Arkansas head coach and total badass Houston Nutt, it seems that Duke University has taken action and fired totally competent head coach Ted Roof. Roof boasted an amazing 6-45 record during his four-year reign as head of the Blue Devils program. Although Roof promised that his team could be bowl eligible "as early as 2008," his positive affirmation fell on deaf ears. However, it is not clear regarding whether he jut meant that Duke would be bowl eligible before the start of the season, through the sixth game, or whether he actually meant that Duke would play in a bowl game. Nah, he couldn't be mean the latter statement could he?

A Message To You Rudy

Rudy Carpenter hasn't had all that bad of a year. He has thrown for more than 2700 yards and tossed 21 touchdowns. Not exactly Tim Tebow type statistics, but, at the present moment, he has the 14th best quarterback rating in the nation. His most outstanding statistic, however, is that Mr. Carpenter has been sacked an astronomical 48 times, which is only equaled by Andrew Robinson of Syracuse, the 62nd rated passer. If Rudy goes down a few more times in the finale against arch-rival Arizona, he'll be the most sacked quarterback in Division 1A, which is quite an impressive feat, to say the least. You just can't keep Rudy Carpenter on the turf for long. Cut his lip while knocking his helmet off, Ray Maualuga, and what do you get in return? A snarling, pissed off Rudy, just clamoring to be sacked again. He definitely gets the Bama Realist Achievement Award in the area of Excellence in Resilience. That is, unless Mr. Robinson doesn't take the title from him next week.

It's Yo Gabba Gabba Time

It's a dreary Sunday, an the Bears just defeated the Broncos in overtime. So, what time is it? IT's Yo Gabba Gabba time! That's right, time to enjoy this amazing tribute to healthy eating and get some dinner. That is, unless your name hapens to be Devin Hester. In that case, you're probably too busy getting laid to eat.

Coach Ogeron gets a B plus

I've never seen this clip before, but it is from sportjox.com andwas filmed during Ogeron's first season at Ole Miss. These girls sure know their football and the knowledge is even more profound after she has "her votka and her Sprite." Hilarious. And ladies, I think that B plus grade must be a product of immense grade inflation.

Authorial note: I don't think sportjox really wanted me posting the vid here, so here's a link:

i hate myself and I want to stab my self in the face

Not really, but the second half of this football season has to be one of the most depressing ever. LSU murdered Bama, and the Tide has just been an empty facade of a football team since. Depleted. Vapid. Spoiled. Nothingness.

Bama-Auburn Prediction

So, after publishing my man-up post very very early this morning, I may seem to be backsliding a bit. With less than six hours remaining before kickoff, I'm nervous with anticipation regarding how Alabama will perform. Will the Alabama team that beat Tennessee and Arkansas show p, or will the unsparked, blundering mass of impoverished football that lost to ULM last week take the field on the Plains this eve? Auburn, in a lesser way, has e same problem. Will the Tigers that beat UF at The Swamp in early October re-emerge, or will the team that really didn't play the second half two weeks ago in Athens continue to play poorly. Both teams quarterbacks have been huge factors in their teams' losses this year and Bama lack senior leadership from some of its best players (DJ Hall, Keith Brown and Simeon Castille). If Bama shows a few flashes of brilliance on offense that glistened against Tennessee and plays stellar defense as demonstrated in the LSU game, then Bama has a great chance of ending the five-year drought in the Iron Bowl. However, if a mediocre Tide takes the field, this one could get ugly. I hope Bama wins and I wold take the points, but I think the game will be decided by a two or three point margin. Classic Iron Bowl and I'm not predicting a winner.

Man Up, motherfucker!!!!!!man Up!

Last weekend, Bryant Denny Stadium was listed as a sellout, but when the game started, 20,000 fewer fans than expected showed up following the previous week's lackluster performance against Mississippi State. So, the most embarrassing loss since the loss to Northern Illinois was spawned, and another small, unheralded program (this time ULM) enjoyed a huge win on Alabama's home field. Yeah, Alabama loses to these teams, but remember when the Tide wasted Florida twice in 1999 and still managed to lose to La Tech. The 2000s haven't been kind to The Tide. Believe that shit. This excellent Trillville tune exemplifies what Bama must do against Auburn this year. It's a call to arms for the fans to fucking man up and not be the pussy-ass fans who left the Monroe game at halftime. So, if Bama has a fucking fighting chance against the AU this year, we, the fans, and the team have to man up, motherfuckers. It's that easy.

author's note: this isn't a real Trillville vid, and I don't endorse anime bullshit whatsoever, but it was the best I could get for Man Up. Apparently, this Trillville track isn't on the latest jock jams series, nor was it important enough for the crew to film a proper vid. The song is appropriate for every game played upon a gridiron, and this one in particular.

85 Iron Bowl-As Good As It Gets

This is one of my favorite memories as a kid. I would get sick to my stomach when the Tide would be in a tight game, and once I feigned severe bowel problems when I thought UGA had whipped Alabama. However, the Tide actually won that game and I learned to tough it out. So, our family was huddled in the living room of our new house and my dad's friend Mickey and his family were over watching the game and enjoying a few beverages. I had difficulty watching Van Tiffin line up for the kick and when it became apparent that the kick was good, the whole house erupted. I jumped on my dad's shoulders and he carried me around the room yelling. Everyone in the house was in disbelief of the victory but loving the moment. I think this game, more than any other, helped define my love of the Tide.

Actually, Big Al's roller skate may be the best part of this video. Shula's numbers were so Shula and so 80's Bama, but so perfect for the team. Also, this had to be the biggest win of Ray Perkins' career, and the flustered look on Pat Dye's face makes the comeback even more priceless. It was so easy to dislike Auburn when Dye was the coach. Auburn fans hated Bowden more than Bama fans, I think, and it's kind of impossible to hate Tommy "the hay is in the barn" Tuberville, unless you happen to be an Ole Miss fan, that is. I'll publish an Auburn win later today to keep my realist perspective in the forefront.

The Turkey Bowl

SI.com reports that the 84th Annual Turkey Bowl featuring Tuskegee and Alabama State ended in a 51-51 tie in overtime. Scratch that. SI.com gives live updates on I-AA games, too. Badass. Tuskegee is now up 58-51 in a game that promises to be far more exciting than the Iron Bowl. I should have driven up to Montgomery to catch the action instead of sitting around watching my fantasy team take a 29-0 lead, due mostly to Detroit's kicker J. Hanson. Bama State has now tied up what might be one of the most exciting games to happen in the state of Alabama in ages. I may have time to catch the finale if I drive to Montgomery pronto. Alabama St. outscored Tuskegee 22-7 in the fourth before taking the game to overtime. Tuskegee just scored again. 64-58! According to my calculations, the two teams are in the 4th OT. I just found out that Tuskegee has outscore opponents by a 440-84 margin up to this point in the season, and Jacary Atkinson, the Golden Tigers' qb has put up "He has piled up 2,425 yards and 27 touchdowns passing. He has completed 59% of his passes and his amazing 188 passing efficiency rating is first in the nation (bamastatesports.cstv.com). He'll definitely be profiled this weekend when I rate the best quarterbacks playing for colleges and universities in the state.
Okay, it appears that Tuskegee has won 64-58. More later on this insane Turkey Bowl finish.

Week 13 quick picks

Week 13 Picks

Middle Tennessee @ Troy: Troy
USC @ Arizona State: USC
Central Michigan @ Akron: Central Michigan
Nebraska @ Colorado: Nebraska
Ole Miss @ Mississippi State: Mississippi State
Wyoming @ Colorado State: Wyoming
Toledo @ Bowling Green: Bowling Green
Arkansas @ LSU: LSU
Texas @ Texas A & M: Texas
Boise State @ Hawaii: Boise State
Miami @ BC: Boston College
Maryland @ North Carolina State: Maryland
Duke @ North Carolina: UNC
South Florida @ Pittsburgh: USF
Virginia Tech @ Virginia: Va. Tech
Connecticut @ West Virginia: West Virginia
Tulane@ East Carolina: East Carolina
Oklahoma State @ Oklahoma: Oklahoma
Missouri @ Kansas: Missouri
Buffalo @ Kent State: Buffalo
Tennessee @ Kentucky: Tennessee
Miami (oh) @ Ohio: Miami (Oh)
Southern Methodist @ Memphis: Memphis
Wake Forest @ Vanderbilt: Wake Forest
Utah @ BYU: BYU
UTEP @ Central Florida: Central Florida
Tulsa@ Rice: Tulsa
Arkansas St. @ Southern Miss: Southern Miss.
Notre Dame @ Stanford: Notre Dame
Oregon @ UCLA: UCLA
Georgia @ Georgia Tech: UGA
UAB @ Marshall: Marshall
Florida State @ Florida: Florida
Kansas State @ Fresno State: Fresno State
Washington State @ Washington: Washington
Louisiana Monroe @ Louisiana Lafayette: ULM
Clemson @ South Carolina: Clemson
Cincinnati @ Syracuse: Cincinnati
Alabama @ Auburn: Alabama
Texas Christian @ San Diego State: TCU

"Thanksgiving, Oh why hast thou forsaken me?"

... as spoken by John Kitna prior to Detroit's yearly embarrassment with the largest number of fans per annual single viewing of a Lions game watching the Motor City Bad Boys of the gridiron swandive through the cranberry sauce into a vault of giblet gravy. Methinks Calvin Johnson forgot to wash his hands after downing a couple of turkey legs before the game's beginning, for the young man does have some greasy fingers today. (Correction: Calvin washed his hands after eating his brussels sprouts at halftime and scored his fourth touchdown of the year.)Ahhh, Thanksgiving is a time for watching NFL football and thinking about some major college rivalries going down this week. The major question that lingers on the minds and plagues the hearts of fans throughout the state where I dined (Alabama) is, "Who will win this year's Iron Bowl?" I'm sure, throughout the state, tables are being overturned, while families and in-laws debate the question with some lively fisticuffs. Luckily, my sister, the PhD candidate at Auburn sat quietly through the meal, as did her badass husband, Shane. No shite-talking occurred. Everyone was pleasant. Nobody mentioned those mighty Warhawks of Louisiana and their Pearl Harboring, err 9/11ing, err genociding escapade in Tuscaloosa, though I'm sure it just happened to slip their minds.

Also, neither my loving father (who last year told a man he could stick his thumb up his motherfucking ass when given the "Beware the thumb" warning prior to the 2006 Iron Bowl) nor I even happened to think of Auburn's somewhat embarrassing loss in Athens as Vern Lundquist cranked dat soulja boy two weeks ago.

Nope, haven't even thought of that one, especially after last Saturday. The Bama realist in me just won't talk shit to Auburn fans ever again. For no matter how sweet the juice of shit talking may be, it's really just not worth the squeeze. Plus, both my sister and her husband can kick my ass, and my dad's too old to fight, so why bother? At least our Thanksgiving meal and holiday was more pleasant for this unspoken agreement. And much, preferrable to the Turkey Day events which transpire in the trailer below, representing what I feel most embody the feeling of queasiness the Lions must feel about making the playoffs after this impending loss to the Green Bay Packers.